I’m supposed to be sleeping. Right now. Right moment. Tucked in my sheets dreaming something. Or at least snoring.
I should to. Because this week had been quite a harsh week for me. Lots of strain. Filled with tension. Pressures.
29th August was the date I flew back to Nizhny Novgorod. Despite the 8-hours flight via Penang-Bangkok-Moscow, I was quite reluctant to leave Malaysia. 2 months of holiday seemed not enough. A lot of things happened. A lot of things didn’t. A lot of things got out of their way.
And I was reluctant to come back here, reliving another hectic year in Nizhny Novgorod. As a third year student.
Oh wait. I wasn’t a third year student when I came back. I was still a second year student. Because I didn’t finish my Biochemistry exam previous semester. And that’s a load of crap to repeat during the whole last weak.
Not to mention the killer cycle – Pharmacology. It was only been one day, and we already had test about prescription. It was only been one week, and that’s a test about cholinergic agonist and antagonist drugs. That’s 33 types of drug composing 2 chapters in which I have to memorize their mechanism, therapeutic usage and side effects. And that’s only 2 chapters out of 40 chapters that will be covered during this whole course.
Somehow I manage to survive. The first week, at least. Biochemistry, done this evening with a grateful 4. Settling down quietly.
A lot of funny scenarios happened during my 2-months holiday. As far as the thing’s going, the date 16th September seems to be the climax. The peak. Could be the point of turnover. For better or worse. Things had been interesting, and I’m sure the fun is yet to cease.
The politic scenarios make me wonder for a bit. I used to dream of being a politician before. I used to have what it takes, at least. I was the Ketua Pengawas of my primary school. Alright, a 12-years old Ketua Pengawas is never close to be called a politician. But I was involved in the Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar (BWP) during my high school. Sure, managing a 500-students school is never close enough to be compared with a politician. A politician holds the responsibility of millions of citizens of his country. That’s a politician. And a politician who carries out his responsibility, that’s a leader. And so far, I don’t see any leaders around the politic scene of Malaysia.
Being a leader is not about the power. It’s about the responsibility. In fact, being someone is a matter of responsibility. No matter who. A person who carries out his responsibility to Allah, he’s a Muslim. A person who carries out his responsibility to his parents – he’s a son. A person who carries out a responsibility to his wife – he’s a husband.
We all are bound to responsibility. No matter who we are, where we live. We can’t outrun it. I don’t know as a fact, but I’m positively sure Allah will not ask who we were in this world. He will not ask whether you’re a President of a country, nor you’re the President of a boy’s scout. The thing He will ask is, whether you carried out your responsibilities or not. Responsibility as a servant. As a father. As a son. As a human. 51:56.
It comes again. Another year has passed since my last Ramadhan. While all of us Muslim carries our responsibility to Allah by fasting, most of us still missing the whole big picture of ibadah Ramadhan. Many of us think of Ramadhan as the month of fasting, and fasting means to abstain from foods or drinks. No eating, no smoking, no gossiping, no sexual things. Most of us view Ramadhan as the month of restraining.
I prefer to think Ramadhan as the month of training, instead. We train to manage our finance during this month. We train to be a healthier person. We train to be a more pious servant. We train our nafs, we train our temper. We train our mouth from saying anything unnecessary. We train our ears to hear Quranic recitations more, and to avoid slanders. We train our eyes from seeing obscene views, and we train our lust so that we have total mind control of our body.
And more importantly, we train our heart. Of humble and gratefulness.
If the training goes smoothly, by the end of Ramadhan, a Muslim should be like a soldier! A Muslim soldier! Like a soldier with a month’s intensive training! A soldier with a heart of steel. By the end of Ramadhan, we should have everything we need as a perfect Muslim. The 10 Muwasofat Muslim!
And with such preparation, a well-trained Muslim from the “Academy of Ramadhan” should have what it takes to struggle in his life for another year.
That’s why, I believe Ramadhan is a chance given by Allah, to start over a new leaf. A month with such suitable conditions to restart your life, or at least, to set it back on the right path. It is a month full of forgiveness. It is a month full of mercy from Him. People change, during this month. As in history, the point of change in Arabic World occurred during Ramadhan, with the descending of the 1st Quranic verse. Ramadhan is not just a month of abstaining. It is a gift, a chance. And regrettably, many of us let that chance away.
This Ramadhan, as for me, is a month of choices. By His will, in front of me – a lots of choices to be made. Whether A or B. This way or that way. Should or shouldn’t. Usually Ramadhan is the month which I await most. But not this year’s.
I hate choices. Because I tend to make the wrong one. People said that one should learn from previous experience in making the next decision. But not me. Although at some point it is crystal clear, what decision should I make. Yet, I picked the wrong one. Experiences seem to be useless for me. They tend to eat me inside out instead.
So how am I going to make any decision? I still can’t see any silver lining of my previous wrong decisions I made before. I’m regret for being an optimist person, for everything I hope to turn to be good, hurts me instead! Should I continue to be optimist or not? Yet another decision to be made!
Life is all about making decisions. No matter what, never look back.
Making a decision seems simple, but dealing with decision is the hardest part. There will be consequences. Effects. The decision we made will eventually shape you. Even the smallest decision could produce a butterfly’s effect.
The main point of it is, to never look back. Never regret. There will be a lot of bad decisions. It’s okay as long as we don’t look back and grief too long for it. Life must goes on, no matter what. Time will not wait for you. Other people will not stop by and sympathizes at you. You can grief for as long as you wanted, but in the end, the one who will be left behind is none other than you.
Sahur. And subuh. And sleep.